Early & Middle Years:
Understanding the Inner World of a Middle Child
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A middle child begins life as the youngest sibling and is the oldest child’s “baby.” He has worked hard to find his niche in the family, both wooing and competing with the older child.
Suddenly, another baby comes along. Everyone is ecstatic. Everyone except him.
The family - including the older child - concentrates on the new baby. If a younger child becomes a middle child, the hardest part may be the “desertion” of the older child, who will turn attention to the new baby. The older child will no longer be as available to play or fight.
To the second child, now a middle child, being in the middle feels like being forgotten. He may try to provoke, show off or cry out for someone - anyone. Unless a parent hears this cry, he continues to be without a sounding board, without a reliable advocate. Some middle children learn to turn their wish to be cared for into caring for others - but this comes later.
A middle child may try to make up for his loneliness with friends. But he may seem irritable, and depressed. He may want to run away. Parents will ask, “Why are you so upset? Isn’t she a cute baby? Look at her watch you, adoring you.” Of course, she looks at everybody that way because they all adore her.
In time, the middle child may start to mother the baby. But when the baby screeches, he wants to swat her on the head. But he doesn’t, and soon he may find that he can woo the baby from his older sister. Not often, but just enough to make it worth the effort. When he fails, he’ll battle with the little one.
A middle child may continue to wish for a unique role such as “first” or “last.” He may try even harder to live up to the oldest, or he may try to be entirely different, seeking his own place in the family. He is likely to provoke a response from his parents. But don’t let the middle child make you feel guilty. The myth of the “middle child,” and parents’ worries about it, may be more powerful than its reality.
My middle daughter can always get at me when she says, “You treat me like a middle child!” Do I? I don’t think so, until she accuses me of it. The “bookend” children do have special places (the eldest and the baby), but maybe the middle is a special place as well.
A middle child isn’t as likely to be as overwhelmed as the first child, nor as overprotected as the baby. It may be a freer spot to be in. One can always just disappear in a crisis. Some middle children figure out how to use their position to lower their family’s expectations of them.
Some middle children find they have unique creative gifts that allow them to distinguish themselves from the first born in their families. Others will learn to be the peacemakers -- they will mediate conflicts and feel responsible for everyone’s well-being. Our second child found her way by nurturing her baby brother, and she became invaluable.
When a middle sibling can define a necessary role for himself in the family, he feels needed and competent.
Dr. T. Berry Brazelton is a pediatrician and best-selling author of child-rearing books. Learn more about his work at www.touchpoints.org.
Helping a Middle Child Feel Valued
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1) Remind a middle child of his talents. Praise him for his resilience, in adjusting to the baby and finding his own role.
2) Let the middle child groan and complain -- even blow up about how hard he works to be a contributing member of the family. If he feels heard, he will learn a lot about himself.
3) Face whatever bias you may have about a middle child. Maybe it reminds you of your own past or that of a family member. But remember, you’ve given him a family to care about, to compete with, and to fall back on.
4) Don’t feel sorry for him. Pity will only push a child to focus on the negative aspects of his situation. Every position in the family has its rewards and burdens. The give-and-take demanded of each child is the cement that makes the family strong.
Teen Years:
Big Brother, McCarthyism and the Patience of Job
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Don’t count on your teenager to nod knowingly the next time you allude to any of the references listed in the headline above.
A study out from the American Enterprise Institute for Research and Public Policy finds that about half of 17-year-olds can’t identify the books or historical events associated with them. Twenty-five years after the federal report, “A Nation at Risk,” challenged U.S. public schools to raise the quality of education, the study finds high schoolers still lack important historical and cultural underpinnings of “a complete education.”
And, its authors fear, the nation’s current focus on improving basic reading and math skills in elementary school might only make matters worse, giving short shrift to the humanities -- even if children can read and do math.
Among 1,200 students surveyed:
Only 43% knew the Civil War was fought between 1850 and 1900.
Only 52% could identify the theme of the book “1984.”
Only 51% knew that the controversy surrounding Sen. Joseph McCarthy focused on communism.
In all, students earned a C in history and an F in literature, though the survey suggests students do well on topics schools cover. For instance, 88% knew the bombing of Pearl Harbor led the USA into World War II, and 97% could identify Martin Luther King Jr. as author of the “I Have a Dream” speech. Fewer (77%) knew Uncle Tom’s Cabin helped end slavery a century earlier.
Resources: American Enterprise Institute.
www.aei.org.