The Best Motivation Comes From Within
Many people believe that in order to get results people must be offered incentives to do better and given penalties for failing to perform. These external forms of motivation can produce short-term results but fail over the long term.
The most successful people rely on internal motivation, and there are ways for children to develop internal motivation that drives them, so that parents don’t have to.
In the book “The Self-Driven Child”, authors William Stixrud and Ned Johnson describe how children need a sense of competency, relatedness and autonomy.
Researcher Carol Dweck developed the idea of a Growth Mindset. People who believe their talents can be developed through hard work, good strategies and input from others have a growth mindset.
They tend to achieve more than people with a fixed mindset (those who believe their talents are innate gifts).
Another great read on this subject is Daniel Pink’s “Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us.”
So, what does all this research suggest we do to build intrinsic motivation? Try this:
- Encourage effort and persistence rather than focusing on results. “You worked so hard on your spelling words this week. I’m proud of you.”
- Celebrate the learning that comes from failures and mistakes, including your own. “Today I learned not to put my coffee on the dashboard. It went all over my pants and I had to change. Next time I’ll use the cup holder!”
- Stay connected to your children. Be happy to see them. Spend warm time with them. Make sure they know how much you love them.
- As often as possible, let your child do things for herself. It may take a little longer, but she will build a sense of competence and confidence in her ability. This is priceless. “You got your jacket zipped up! High five!”
- Give your children autonomy. Be a consultant instead of a director. Be confident in their ability to make good decisions and support them in their efforts. Offer advice, but don’t force it.
Opportunities for making choices grow as your child develops. Starting with small things helps make the big things (when they are teenagers) less stressful.
“I’m not willing to fight with you about your homework. I’ll help if you want me to and arrange for a tutor if you’d rather do that. It’s your choice.”
Here are the most important points for helping your child develop intrinsic motivation:
- Stay closely connected
- Be patient
- Trust that given all the information they need, they can make good decisions.
Then you can cheer them on.
Dr. Lesley Iwinski is the mother of three grown children, a family physician and owner of Growing Peaceful Families, LLC. She offers classes, workshops and seminars.
Info: (859) 333-3053 or www.growingpeacefulfamilies.com.