How to Give Kids Freedom Within Limits
While at the beach standing amid a large crowd waiting for sea turtles to be released, I watched a 2-year-old struggle in her mother’s arms. She wanted to get down and play in the sand with the other children, but mom was concerned she would run off. What mom did next was a metaphor for great parenting.
She stood the little girl on the sand, removed her own sandal, and drew a 10×14-foot rectangle. She told her daughter that she could play anywhere she wanted inside the lines, and if she went outside the line that meant she would let mommy hold her.
The transformation was amazing. The little girl played happily, and the mom smiled and relaxed. Eureka!
Most people have heard of freedom within limits, but what does it mean?
You and I know that we can drive anywhere in Kentucky that we want, but we can’t drive there at 85 mph.
Having the power to drive means we accept the responsibility to honor the law and the consequences of our choices.
Human beings are instilled from birth with a need to have control of their lives, just like the little girl described above.
Growing up successfully requires competently accepting increasing levels of responsibility.
The limits are narrower with young children (like lines in the sand) and more expansive for older children.
For example, younger children have the freedom to choose:
- The clothes they wear, within the limits of the season
- When to do their homework, within the limit of homework being done by a certain time
- Which musical instrument to learn to play from a number of options
- To do chores within the limit that everyone participates in the work of the family.
Older children and teens have the freedom to choose:
- To express their feelings and opinions, within the limits of respect
- After-school activities, within the limits of time and finance
- More personal financial responsibility when their wants exceed their budget.
What do you do when children don’t like the limits you set? Empathize always.
“I know it seems unfair that you can’t go to the sleepover. I would be upset too if I were you.”
Problem solve where possible: “What is it that you don’t like? Do you have any ideas? Perhaps we can come to some kind of agreement.”
Rather than feeling they must control their children, parents can relax into the respectful and rewarding role of providing firm, clear limits while allowing their children the freedom to make choices.
Dr. Lesley Iwinski is the mother of three grown children, a family physician and owner of Growing Peaceful Families, LLC. She offers classes, workshops and seminars.
Info: (859) 333-3053 or www.growingpeacefulfamilies.com.