Changing From Adversaries to Allies

by Leslie Iwinski

Have you ever felt like you were at war with your toddler or teen? Everything feels like a battle because of these constant skirmishes.

Between clashes, you may find yourself nursing resentment, grumbling about your beloved child as if he were your enemy.

When your child feels like your adversary, it is easy to discount her needs or feelings because your agenda is the most important thing at that moment: getting in the car, putting shoes on, cleaning up blocks …

The next time you feel your back rising, notice where you are headed, and choose a different perspective.

You can’t wait for your child to “get a new attitude” until you do. Your perspective and approach matter tremendously if you want to become allies and work together, rather than standing at odds.

How? Keep these points in mind:

• Your child is NOT your enemy. You have conflicting priorities at the moment.
• Your child is doing the best he can for his level of brain development.
• Children who feel connected (loved, respected, valued, important) are generally much more cooperative, because their needs are being met.
• How you interact with your child every day matters. Do you bring more support or more criticism?
• Anger keeps us from accessing our thinking brain, and bringing our best selves to the situation.
• Define the problem and state it, asking for your child’s help to figure it out.
• Working together to solve the problem puts you on the same side.

So, instead of seeing your child as an enemy, see her as an ally to work with to come to an agreement or to solve a problem together.

Some examples:

“Enemy” Perspective: “You need to put your shoes on right away.”
Problem: Shoes need to be on so your feet are safe.
“Ally Perspective: “We need to leave. Do you want to put your shoes on here or in the car?”

Another example:

“Enemy” Perspective: “How many times have I told you to feed the dog?”
Problem: The dog needs to be fed.
“Ally” Perspective: “It’s your job to feed Bingo. Let’s see if we can think of a way that you can remember without being reminded.”

If this seems like too much, and you feel yourself digging your heels in deeper, take a deep breath.

When you can become your own ally, you will feel better. And when you feel better, you do better.

Consider this quote from the late author, Wayne Dyer:
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Dr. Lesley Iwinski is the mother of three grown children, a family physician and owner of Growing Peaceful Families, LLC. She offers classes, workshops and seminars.

Info: (859) 333-3053 or
www.growingpeacefulfamilies.com.