Family Health/ Family Wellness/ Positive Parenting

The Downside of Reward Systems

Do you want your children to develop good habits? Study to learn? Contribute to the everyday work of running a home? That is awesome! You and many other parents want to see children develop into self-motivated, cooperative, curious, dedicated human beings.

To get that result, it seems like everyone uses rewards, including schools and the dentist’s office.  Rewards seem to make sense, but there are some surprising truths about their downside.

What is wrong with rewards? Plenty, according to Alfie Kohn, author of “Punished By Rewards: The Trouble With Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes.”

Rewards, if used excessively:

  • Decrease the likelihood that the behavior will persist in the long term;
  • Decrease the amount of interest in doing something for its own sake, and the enjoyment and satisfaction experienced by the activity itself;
  • Create the mentality of “What’s In It for Me?” rather than encouraging the development of self-discipline;
  • Take focus off a child’s internal sense of accomplishment and tie it to something else such as a parent’s approval or a prize. What is their motivation if these aren’t forthcoming?
  • Are a form of manipulation and when recognized as such become ineffective (nobody likes to be controlled by someone else);
  • Are an external motivator, i.e. a control;
  • Make the behavior you are trying to encourage a means to an end rather than an end in itself;
  • Must continuously grow bigger and better to sustain results;
  • Create the desire to manipulate others.

Are we to do away with rewards completely? Not necessarily.

There are times when being recognized or appreciated for something is appropriate. In this instance, a reward is more of a celebration of a job well done.

A reward doesn’t have to be a material object and can even be a celebration dance around the kitchen table!

In his book, “Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us,” bestselling author Daniel Pink dedicates a chapter to parents and educators, and includes these suggestions among others:

  • Give children an allowance and chores, but don’t combine them.
  • When you offer praise, praise effort and strategy rather than the result. “You put a lot of time into that project. Well done!”
  • Make praise specific, focusing on the internal qualities or traits that made a good result possible.
  • Help kids see the big picture.

Here are some practical suggestions to encourage self-discipline and intrinsic motivation:

  • Allow your child to help from the first time they show an interest. Sure, you can make the bed and load the dishwasher faster and more efficiently. The point is to allow them to enjoy the satisfaction that comes from competence and contribution.

“The work got done faster because of your help,” said with a warm smile is like fertilizer on a flower.

It encourages self-reflection and a feeling of competence, and keeps the child’s focus on that quality.

  • Engage children in the work of running the family from an early age. Let them choose their jobs and then work alongside them.

Children as young as 2 can help load the silverware and put it away, pull their blankets up, scoop food for the pet and sort socks.

  • Model what you want to see. Decide to enjoy your daily tasks and communicate that.

“I love to see the lines in the carpet after it is vacuumed.” “I worked hard on the cabinets and they look terrific!”

Try to catch yourself before starting out by moaning, “I don’t WANT to _________!”

  • Empower your child whenever possible. Ask for their ideas and offer choices. Listen and look for win-win opportunities.
  • Encourage self-discipline by helping your child enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done.

Your desire to help children develop good habits is right on target. Knowledge is power, and with this information you can make a more informed decision about how to best support your children as they grow up.

Dr. Lesley Iwinski is the mother of three grown children, a family physician and owner of Growing Peaceful Families, LLC. She offers classes, workshops and seminars.  Info: (859) 333-3053 or  www.growingpeacefulfamilies.com.