One Happy Family: The Flynns & Their 5 Grandchildren
Raising somebody else’s children is never easy. But when there are five of them and they belong to your drug-addicted daughter – who is not your husband’s child – then complications multiply.
Just ask Lexington’s Sandy Flynn, a 65-year-old retired nurse.
“Most of the time, we’re going from major issue to major issue, so our house feels like a time warp. You wake up in the morning and the next thing you know it’s nighttime,” she said.
“It’s not stressful. It’s just busy and you get tired.”
That’s understandable. Sandy and her husband, Mike, are raising five grandchildren from ages 17 to 8-year-old twins. That’s seven people in a two-bedroom house, so yes, things do get hectic.
Sandy and Mike, a retired 75-year-old construction worker, married 30 years ago with Sandy bringing two children, Christine and Teresa, to the new family.
Mike had a son from another marriage who is now in his late 40s and is married with five children.
Sandy was not so fortunate. Her younger daughter, Teresa, had a son, Tim, before she died at a young age.
Sandy and Mike adopted little Tim, whose father is unknown. Tim is married with two kids of his own.
Christine, Sandy’s older child, had a daughter, Willa, with Roger Brumagen.
Over the next several years, Christine had four more children by her boyfriend, Nathaniel Bowman, while still married to Brumagen. These children all used their biological father’s name, Bowman.
Brumagen died of a heart attack but was alive when his wife, Christine, was having the four children by Bowman, who has now disappeared – Sandy has no idea where he is.
Christine, 47, lives in Garrard County. She lost custody of her five children eight years ago when the twins were born five weeks early and drug addicted.
The other three grandchildren were already staying with Sandy and Mike at the time.
The oldest Willa, 18, is a senior in high school and plans to attend Berea College. Last month, she had two surgeries within two weeks – gall bladder surgery and wisdom teeth removal.
Dallas, the only boy, is 11, Sarah is 9 and twins Megan and Morgan are 8.
The twins stayed in the ICU for three weeks after their birth.
“I remember Mike and I sitting beside the twin cribs watching them sleep,” Sandy said.
“They would jump and jerk in their sleep but did not cry. They were still going through drug withdrawal. Mike and I cried every night for the first month.”
Both girls are doing well now, even though Morgan has autism.
Dallas was nearly 4 when he moved in with his grandparents. When authorities removed him from Christine’s care, he couldn’t straighten his legs from sitting in a car seat too long.
This spring, he struggled in middle school so Sandy removed him and is homeschooling him.
Sarah has been diagnosed with attachment disorder. But despite many emotional issues, including screaming and throwing things, she is bright and working academically well beyond her third-grade placement.
As soon as Sandy and Mike took custody of their grandchildren, they made a wise move – they went to court and gained permanent custody.
The court system was involved from the beginning, of course, because of the abuse and neglect charges against the mother.
Sandy remembers hiring a lawyer and leaving the children with friends while she and Mike went to keep the court appointment.
Often, children in the situation of the Flynn’s five grandchildren live in fear that their biological parents will show up and demand custody.
Having permanent custody in place lowers the possibility of such a move succeeding to almost zero.
Sandy and Mike are considering adopting the four younger children. It would give all of them more stability.
“Children go through it all – guilt, fear that the parents will demand custody,” said Sandy, who admits to having struggled with guilt herself.
“I was feeling guilty that I did something wrong in raising my daughter,” she said. “It took almost two years to let go of the guilt I felt.
“I finally realized that I raised her but she made her choice in the paths she took.
“After I gave up the guilt, I went through [a period of grieving for] the loss of my daughter. I worried if she was safe and drug free.
“I had to give up on that. It was leaving me depressed and exhausted and that was not fair to the children.
“I cannot forgive my daughter. I only have time to take care of my grandchildren.”
Sandy’s days are full. Caring for a household with five school-age children is more than busy.
“We seem to have small disasters all the time and I don’t run like I did when I was 20,” Sandy said.
“But every minute there is joy. The kids say something sweet and it just warms your heart.”
Sandy is grateful that she and Mike have not faced this situation alone. They have received help from grandparents like them, old friends and members of their church.
“The one single thing that helped me the most was when I learned there were hundreds of mothers right here in Lexington going through the same ordeal,” Sandy said.
“I found a support group at Meadowthorpe Elementary. Those wonderful ladies were all going through what I was.
“They were full of resources, tips, advice and support. I will be forever grateful to them.
“My church has been a large support for us, and I have two friends I’ve known for 30 years. These two ladies came every day to help us with the children.”
Sandy drew from these contacts the obvious conclusion: “This was proof to me that we all could not have been bad mothers.
“We did not all raise our children to follow this lifestyle.”
For anyone else facing similar circumstances, Sandy has a message (You’re not alone) and advice (Seek help and speak up.)
“Find a support group and share your story,” she said. “We need to get the word out there that we are not alone and there are resources and help available.”
Martha Evans Sparks is a freelance writer and the author of five books and more than 100 magazine articles. Since 2002, she has lived at Wesley Village, a senior retirement community in Wilmore.