Positive Parenting – Helping a Child Deal With a Scary Event

by Lesley Iwinski

He was scared for Tom, frightened by his screaming. Even after his mother reassured Jeremy, he continued to talk about the fall.

Mom’s first instinct was to protect Jeremy from his big feelings, so she took him for ice cream to get his mind off the incident.

When Jeremy brought it up again, she would change the subject to help him avoid the fear and worry. She even took him to Tom’s house, where he could see that Tom was fine and sporting a bright purple cast, seemingly none the worse for the wear.

She was puzzled why Jeremy still kept wanting to talk about what had happened.

Mom did some research and came across the book, “The Whole Brain Child,” by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.

As she read about integration of the brain and its importance in learning and in processing all sorts of information, she learned that emotional memory is stored in a different part of the brain than the physical details of memory.

Jeremy kept going back to the playground story because he was having a hard time connecting the two, and processing his fear and upset about his experience.

Mom stopped trying to distract Jeremy and decided to listen to him tell the story over and over again. She let him share how much fun he and Tom were having together.

She affirmed how frightened he had been, and how awful it was to hear his friend’s cries.
As he continued the story, she helped him finish the story with his visit to Tom and how well Tom was doing, and that both of them were safe.

Over the next days and weeks, Jeremy talked about it less often, and it seemed that his stress decreased as the emotions and details were knit together in the context of the story.

What Mom did was help Jeremy experience the fear he had felt and move through it to the other side of the story, where Tom was healing and they were both happy.

If she had persisted in changing the subject, or told him to “get over it,” he would have been denied that opportunity.

Feelings that are not expressed often go underground only to re-surface in troublesome ways like nightmares, irrational fears, or avoidance of places or people that trigger the unpleasant memory.
It’s as if the feeling takes on a life of its own.

“Telling the story” allows the feeling to be explored and gradually put into the context of the larger narrative.

The ability to do this allows a child to develop a sense of competence and resilience. He knows he has managed something difficult and develops confidence that he will be able to do so in the future.

That’s something to feel happy about.

Dr. Lesley Iwinski is the mother of three grown children, a family physician and owner of Growing Peaceful Families, LLC. She offers classes, workshops and seminars.

Info: (859) 333-3053 or
www.growingpeacefulfamilies.com.